Jan Faull, M.Ed., has spent three decades making a difference in the lives of children by teaching adults how to be better parents. The former teacher and child care center manager is a speaker, columnist and author of two books— Mommy! I Have to Go Potty! and Unplugging Power Struggles: Resolving Emotional Battles with Your Kids.

KINDERGARTEN ANXIETY

Q: My 5-year-old son will be entering kindergarten in the fall. We took him in to see the principal and his classroom, and he seemed very excited. But since then he has been more clingy than usual, and yesterday he wet his pants for the first time in a year. What can I do to help him feel more secure and excited about kindergarten?

Faull: Your child is about to enter a new environment at school and even if he’s been to preschool, he’s facing his first major flight out of the parenting nest. He is feeling stress.
He’s not even thinking about the curriculum, the rules and getting along with the other children. He can’t imagine what’s going to actually occur in kindergarten. It’s the unknown challenges of this new environment that currently concern him. Help him by making up a story about a little boy who goes to kindergarten. Start with, “Once upon a time there was a little boy who goes to kindergarten.” Mention in the story riding the school bus, successfully finding his classroom and the bathroom. Weave into the story the child’s concerns and then his successes as he learns the routines and makes his way around the building. Involve a friendly and helpful principal and teacher.

Don’t finish the story in one telling. Let it evolve over days and weeks. Make it fun, playful and creative. Mention what the fictionalized child was required to do at kindergarten: learn the alphabet, count, cut with scissors and paste with glue, play outside at recess, listen to stories, color, and play with new friends. Share how this little person learned to follow directions and rules.

By telling your son this story he puts himself into it and relaxes as he realizes that he can manage this new environment. In the book Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive (Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putman, 2003), authors Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell tell of the power of putting confusing experiences into story form for children. The authors have found that such stories lead to good mental health.

Teaching your child the ABCs or to count is part of preparing him for kindergarten. But probably more important is telling him a school-related story or even playing kindergarten at home. Set up a place to play school. Have his students be his teddy bears, stuffed animals or dolls. You can play, too, pretending to be the teacher or student.
Validate his feelings of being scared or worried, but also display confidence that you believe that he has all the qualities to be successful at kindergarten.
 
NEW SCHOOL CHALLENGE

Q: We moved to a new state this past May. Our daughter who is 10 and son who is 13 will be in new schools this fall. They are missing their friends. I think this is going to be a difficult year. Is there anything I can do to make this transition easier?

Faull: To gain some perspective on the situation your children face, realize that moving to a new state, city, neighborhood, house and starting a new school has upsides and downsides socially, intellectually and emotionally.

Socially. The obvious downside is that most of the kids in your children’s classrooms will have well-established groups and friendships. Therefore, your children will need to determine how to break into the social scene. The upside is that at the beginning of every school year there’s always a period of adjustment and reforming of groups and friendships for all the kids. Therefore, fitting in might not be as difficult as it initially seems.

Intellectually. The mental downside is that your children face not only the challenge of a new school year’s curriculum but they also must figure out how to make their way around in an unfamiliar building with unfamiliar schedules and rules. They’ll each be asking, “What’s the same, what’s different, how will I need to adapt?” The upside is that as they learn how to function in their new setting, they’ll develop skills that will serve them well when starting middle school for the younger and high school for the older, and eventually college.

Emotionally. The downside is that your children will face feelings of loneliness, unfamiliarity and being left out as the new kid on the block and at school. Although you’d probably like to protect them from these feelings, realize you can’t. It’s best if they embrace these emotions and in so doing they develop emotional strength. The upside is that they’ll learn fully how to manage these feelings so won’t be emotionally paralyzed when facing the challenges that any new environment brings. On the more practical side:

• Register your children for familiar activities such as scouts, sports or music lessons.
• Keep close as a family by maintaining family rituals and routines, birthdays and holiday celebrations, and religious involvements.
• Encourage your children to e-mail, call and send pictures to the friends they’re missing.
• Be available to talk about the similarities and differences between their old school and friends and the new ones.
• Get involved in your children’s schools and the PTA. Also, volunteer in the classroom.
• Don’t push your children to fit in, but show confidence that they’ll find their place in their own way and time.
• Seek professional help, if by winter break one or both are not adjusting to their new school.

STARTING HIGH SCHOOL

Q: My 14-year-old has started a new high school, and she is miserable. Though she’s never had trouble making friends before, she’s filled with anxiety this year. She’s having trouble eating and cries often. Though she is confiding in me about her anxiety and sadness, I’m not sure what steps I should take. Is her reaction a normal adjustment to a new school or a sign of something more troubling?

Faull: It isn’t unusual for a teen starting high school to feel miserable. It’s a huge adjustment as adolescents make their way around a new building, try to fit in to the more intimidating social scene of the high school, and take on the challenges of more sophisticated classes such as biology, geometry or a foreign language.

Give it a month before talking to the school counselor about your daughter’s anxiety and sadness. Time is often all it takes for teenagers to settle in and find their niche. During this month, do what you can to build her resilience as she faces these changes, challenges and chaotic feelings.

1. Ask her to think about what might make her days go easier. By posing this question, you may set her own problem-solving skills into motion.
2. Offer her your belief in her effectiveness. Don’t offer a “poor you” approach. Instead, express confidence that she has what it takes to manage high school life.
3. Ask if there is anything you can do to help. While making the adjustment is her problem, not yours, there are ways you can help. It may be as simple as making her lunch, or as difficult as helping her talk to her advisor about changing her class schedule.
4. Inquire about who else might offer her support. Sometimes adults other than Mom or Dad can offer objective insights from their experience and expertise: a coach, teacher, tutor, relative, neighbor, family friend or pastor.
5. Suggest that she delve into her hobbies in her spare time. Hobbies help kids feel competent when other aspects of their lives seem to be out of their control.
6. Validate her feelings of anxiety and sadness. Communicate empathy and understanding. Ask, “How are you feeling?” If she can’t articulate her feelings, put her obvious emotions into words for her.
7. Offer an optimistic view and express faith that although she’s facing difficulty right now, negative events can be surmounted and negative feelings will subside. If you, a relative or family friend had similar feelings when entering high school, tell her about those experiences.
8. Encourage her to talk about her high school. Simply ask, “What’s going on?” “What was your day like?” “What’s the worst part?” “Is there anything you like about it?”

While you use these eight approaches, notice if she’s making progress. As you accept her feelings, encourage her to problem-solve while conveying confidence that she will eventually settle in and succeed. If this is not the case after a month, it’s time to call the high school counselor.