Q: My 8-year-old daughter is smart, but she has difficulty with her homework. She is a good reader, and does her work at school. When she has a problem with her homework, my husband and I will try to help but she refuses to try. If she can’t immediately do something, she starts to cry. And she doesn’t pay attention when you try to explain things to her. I am very frustrated with all of her crying and her refusal to listen. How can I get her to behave and not get so frustrated?

Faull: Right now it’s most important that your daughter learn to manage her emotions with respect to homework. This is more important than the quality of her assignments, and it will serve her better over her long-term academic life. Keep in mind that in the short run her homework might suffer, but in the long run she and her approach to homework will most likely improve.

Realize that no one can think when emotional. So your job is to help her settle her homework-related emotions so she can approach her task with thought and reason rather than tears.When tears well up in her eyes, notice how you are feeling and take a few deep breaths. Your daughter needs your patience and understanding while she works past her frustrations. Be respectful of her feelings, and express yourself clearly and calmly.

With your own emotions in check, approach your daughter and ask her how she’s feeling. If she can’t express herself, read her emotional body language and say, “It looks to me like you’re frustrated with your assignments. I understand; I can feel the same way when I have to do something that seems difficult and complicated.”

Also add, “I’m going to sit right here next to you, and when you’re done crying, we can work together to complete your assignments.” Tell her that you have faith that she has everything necessary to complete these assignments: she’s smart and a good student. Also let her know that if she needs your help you’re willing, all she needs to do is ask.

But also remember, for right now the quality of the work is not as important as your child learning to clear her mind of all those emotions so she can eventually focus and concentrate. When her work is completed, don’t check it. Your responsibility is to offer a calming presence when she’s emotional. The assignments are her responsibility. How she completes them is between her and her teacher.

It may take up to three weeks for your daughter to turn off the homework-related tears. Guiding her to change her approach will be a true test of your parenting patience. You’ll need to bear up through it all; your efforts will pay off when she can approach homework without a tear-stained face. Lastly, it’s a good idea to talk to your daughter’s teacher. Let her know what’s going on and ask for her insights and ideas.
 
Teaching a Child to Work Hard

Q: Our 13-year-old son (seventh grade) is very smart. He doesn’t have to work too hard to get A’s in school. His homework usually only takes him a few minutes to finish. This is great, except that when faced with challenging projects or assignments, he doesn’t want to----—or know how to—put out the extra effort that is required. We need ideas on how to motivate him and get him to see the importance of working harder. High school and college aren’t too far away!

Faull: At his age, it will be difficult to persuade your son that working hard and putting out extra academic effort are important. Your hope is that at some point—probably with inspiration from a skilled teacher—he’ll change his ways. He may become motivated to make that extra effort if a subject strikes his interest. This is when he’ll dig into the topic, acquire academic discipline and perform to his intellectual potential. You hope this awakening happens soon, but it may not happen until he’s a junior in high school or even in college.

When children are in the midst of puberty, they are often at an intellectual lull. Their brains seem to be on vacation as their bodies, emotions and social lives evolve and they move from childhood into full-blown adolescence.
For you to pressure him would work against building long-term academic fortitude. Typically teens turn in the opposite direction of parents’ wishes and desires just to prove their autonomy. In truth, if you say work harder, he may do even less than he’s doing now. You want to avoid this possibility.

You can, however, give your son academic reality sound bites such as, “When you’re in high school and college, some projects take more time, effort and planning.” You can also say, “I see you’ve got a science project that’s due next Wednesday. I’ll be around all weekend if you’d like some ideas or assistance from me.”
You can add, “When I was in school, here is how I approached a challenging project....” There’s no need to say much more—and don’t expect your son to say, “Thanks, Mom, I appreciate your willingness to help me.” He’s a teenager; he’s trying to figure out life on his own, separate from you. It’s best to come in the backdoor with your influence rather than barging in the front door with demands for improved performance or unsolicited academic advice.

Some parents attempt to motivate their teens with money. Let’s say you tell your son, “I’ll give you $10 if you receive an A on that project.” Then, with this incentive, your son takes the challenge, works hard to make the grade and succeeds. All seems well and good. Be aware, though, that next time he may ask that you up the ante to $20. Don’t do it. The purpose of the incentive approach is that by working for the $10, he realizes that he enjoys learning and performing at a higher standard, and will no longer need the tangible reward. The job well done, the learning and good grade are their own reward. If this isn’t the case, then the dollar incentive program failed.